Tick Tick Boom

Yep. That's me, the walking time bomb. Tick, tick, boom. The only person I have is Alex. And sometimes mom. But in all reality, neither of them are very helpful. I need someone who has the same problems I have, someone who truly understands what it's like to be bipolar. Sometimes everything is so desperate that I forget why I live, I lose that insight which is crucial to my survival and begin to wonder why. I don't really understand why im doing this, really, I don't, I guess it's to let everything out, my counselor says it's a good idea, to have something I can vent to, even if it is the rest of the world and there isn't anything you can do you know what, maybe, just maybe, that's why I changed my identity. I mean, what's so wrong about not wanting the rest of the world to know your name when your spilling your guts out on some blog somewhere, right? I mean, Cyber Space can think whatever they want about Alex and I , as long as they don't know who we TRULY are.

I assume that is why I chose this font as well,, you know, a font that makes people cross their eyes, like they do when they look at me when I'm in the middle of a fit. It can't be so bad to want to cause people to have blurred vision when they look at this because that's what the entire world looks like to me, a big pile of blur. Everything around me seems to go so fast today, it's like the sun is shining on everyone but me, and I'm stuck in some sort of half land where they cant tell north from south and everything looks like fuzz. Some days it is worse than others. Yesterday was a good day. I was happy and couldn't have been having a better time. Today, is not. I can barely keep a smile on my face while the world is spinning around me and there is not any way I can stop it. I mean, I am not, by any means, thinking about ending my life or anything, that's crazy talk, and I AM NOT crazy, at least, not sense I got help. I feel better now, everything is quite, for the most part, some days are still really bad though. There are days that I cannot STAND my husband, not that that is always a bad thing. I mean, I love him, but sometimes I just don't want to be around him

Time bombs, like any other type of bomb, are no fun to be around. And once you become a bomb, you're always a bomb. If your lucky, youwill be married before the change, like I was, and they wont leave you. But I have found that once you change, its hard to get things back to "normality" and hard to find anyone to accept you for what you are, a monster who may transform at any minute. I mean, I married a good man, in general, but he doesn't even want to be around me when I go off on myself, him, or other people. Its just not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.

Anyways, I must once again wrap up this post, I have more pressing issues to attend to.

 

<3 Ellie <3