Alright. I am neglecting you.

This is the first blog I have ever kept for more then a week though, so feel lucky. I mean, what do you expect from me, there is a lot going on. Being a bipolar army wife isn't exactly what I was going for, I mean I have always been different, but bipolar? Nah. I think there was a time in my life, long before bipolar, that I was happy. At least for a little while. I mean, everyone has at least one memory before there personal monster took over, right? And everyone has at least one.

I guess if I had to choose a demon, I would choose bipolar over other things, its better then talking to yourself all the time, right? Its treatable, and most people live long lives with it.. unless they off themselves. Just to answer your question, no I am not thinking about killing myself, while it has crossed my mind, I love my life to much to actually go through with it. What else could a girl ask for? I have an awesome husband, awesome fur-babies, a mom from heaven, a non-existent deadbeat dad, and awesome grandparents.

The reason I have been neglecting you is that I hurt myself pretty seriously. I separated my shoulder, or I didn't actually, my horse did. Long story.

Lately things have seemed to spin out of control. I hurt my shoulder, Alex is being looked at for back problems, my mom is craving more attention then ever, there are problems between Alex and I, my fur children seem to need me more then ever, I guess life is good, at least Alex isn't deployed anymore.

Someone asked me the other day "what goes on in your head Ellie?" and I couldn't answer them. I said "wouldn't you like to know" because the truth is, I would like to know too. I haven't had anymore episodes lately, but I can feel one sneaking up. Its like knowing someone is watching you and waiting for them to attack, knowing that it will eventually happen but not being sure when, or how, or even where.

Thankfully, most of my attacks take place around either my mom or my husband. When I say "attack" I mean suicidal thoughts/tendencies that a "normal" person would never experience. Imagine swimming at night, you cant touch the bottom, you know your swimming away from shore, but you cant turn back, and then, by some miracle, you sink to the bottom of the lake (or ocean, which ever you prefer) remain there for some time (you aren't really sure how long because it all gets blurred together) and then show up back on shore, and then the entire process repeats. That's kinda what its like being bipolar. The shore is your high points, the mania if you will, and you can do anything, be anyone, and you feel as if you need to drive towards certain goals. The skinning is the depression, as you should be able to figure out. The time in between, that's the periods when you are drifting back and forth.

There are things I may never be able to explain. Some that are hurtful to others. Some that make it seem as if the world isn't right for me. But they are all true. Anyways, my brain needs a break from this now.

Ill talk to you all later today, alright?


 
<3 Ellie <3