Alright. I am neglecting you.

This is the first blog I have ever kept for more then a week though, so feel lucky. I mean, what do you expect from me, there is a lot going on. Being a bipolar army wife isn't exactly what I was going for, I mean I have always been different, but bipolar? Nah. I think there was a time in my life, long before bipolar, that I was happy. At least for a little while. I mean, everyone has at least one memory before there personal monster took over, right? And everyone has at least one.

I guess if I had to choose a demon, I would choose bipolar over other things, its better then talking to yourself all the time, right? Its treatable, and most people live long lives with it.. unless they off themselves. Just to answer your question, no I am not thinking about killing myself, while it has crossed my mind, I love my life to much to actually go through with it. What else could a girl ask for? I have an awesome husband, awesome fur-babies, a mom from heaven, a non-existent deadbeat dad, and awesome grandparents.

The reason I have been neglecting you is that I hurt myself pretty seriously. I separated my shoulder, or I didn't actually, my horse did. Long story.

Lately things have seemed to spin out of control. I hurt my shoulder, Alex is being looked at for back problems, my mom is craving more attention then ever, there are problems between Alex and I, my fur children seem to need me more then ever, I guess life is good, at least Alex isn't deployed anymore.

Someone asked me the other day "what goes on in your head Ellie?" and I couldn't answer them. I said "wouldn't you like to know" because the truth is, I would like to know too. I haven't had anymore episodes lately, but I can feel one sneaking up. Its like knowing someone is watching you and waiting for them to attack, knowing that it will eventually happen but not being sure when, or how, or even where.

Thankfully, most of my attacks take place around either my mom or my husband. When I say "attack" I mean suicidal thoughts/tendencies that a "normal" person would never experience. Imagine swimming at night, you cant touch the bottom, you know your swimming away from shore, but you cant turn back, and then, by some miracle, you sink to the bottom of the lake (or ocean, which ever you prefer) remain there for some time (you aren't really sure how long because it all gets blurred together) and then show up back on shore, and then the entire process repeats. That's kinda what its like being bipolar. The shore is your high points, the mania if you will, and you can do anything, be anyone, and you feel as if you need to drive towards certain goals. The skinning is the depression, as you should be able to figure out. The time in between, that's the periods when you are drifting back and forth.

There are things I may never be able to explain. Some that are hurtful to others. Some that make it seem as if the world isn't right for me. But they are all true. Anyways, my brain needs a break from this now.

Ill talk to you all later today, alright?


 
<3 Ellie <3

Halo, and Other Unnecessary Evils

I sit here tonight as Alex plays halo, and I wonder about what makes it tick. What in the male brain makes killing other things fun? I mean, maybe half of it is his internal male instincts to provide for family and to kill for meat and all that, or maybe his Army training has something to do with it, but I'm really not sure why he is so interested in running around and killing things for entertainment. I am sure that he thinks the same thing about The Sims, and some of the things I do, I just don't get it. Sometimes I think something is different, an internal drive, for women to care for a family, and for men to kill, and that may be why we enjoy the games we do. How many women play Call Of Duty, Halo, Modern Warfare, and other things like that? Not many. Not to mention the number of men that play things like Sims and other life-like games that allow you to make a home and raise a family.

Sometimes thinking about what it all means is to much for someone though. I mean, Alex just looked over to see me working on this and looked at me like I was nuts, I guess this is a "chick thing" who knows. Maybe he does think im crazy. Just like the rest of the world, and maybe in time everything will sort itself out.

(shot, shot, shot, shot) "damn, I died" (shot shot shot shot shot shot) how the hell does someone die and then come back to life? I mean, I really don't get this.

WoW is another one of those things that people play, but it isn't really needed. It's a monster. Really. I played for a while, and at the end of my 10 day free trial, I stopped. So I guess you could say it isn't always bad, but when you play excessively, anything can be dangerous, I mean, something as simple as Facebook could be devastating to a relationship.

Well people, I think it's just about time for bed. I am going to go try to attempt to peal Alex away from Halo and get him to come to bed.

Have a good night.

<3 Ellie <3

Tick Tick Boom

Yep. That's me, the walking time bomb. Tick, tick, boom. The only person I have is Alex. And sometimes mom. But in all reality, neither of them are very helpful. I need someone who has the same problems I have, someone who truly understands what it's like to be bipolar. Sometimes everything is so desperate that I forget why I live, I lose that insight which is crucial to my survival and begin to wonder why. I don't really understand why im doing this, really, I don't, I guess it's to let everything out, my counselor says it's a good idea, to have something I can vent to, even if it is the rest of the world and there isn't anything you can do you know what, maybe, just maybe, that's why I changed my identity. I mean, what's so wrong about not wanting the rest of the world to know your name when your spilling your guts out on some blog somewhere, right? I mean, Cyber Space can think whatever they want about Alex and I , as long as they don't know who we TRULY are.

I assume that is why I chose this font as well,, you know, a font that makes people cross their eyes, like they do when they look at me when I'm in the middle of a fit. It can't be so bad to want to cause people to have blurred vision when they look at this because that's what the entire world looks like to me, a big pile of blur. Everything around me seems to go so fast today, it's like the sun is shining on everyone but me, and I'm stuck in some sort of half land where they cant tell north from south and everything looks like fuzz. Some days it is worse than others. Yesterday was a good day. I was happy and couldn't have been having a better time. Today, is not. I can barely keep a smile on my face while the world is spinning around me and there is not any way I can stop it. I mean, I am not, by any means, thinking about ending my life or anything, that's crazy talk, and I AM NOT crazy, at least, not sense I got help. I feel better now, everything is quite, for the most part, some days are still really bad though. There are days that I cannot STAND my husband, not that that is always a bad thing. I mean, I love him, but sometimes I just don't want to be around him

Time bombs, like any other type of bomb, are no fun to be around. And once you become a bomb, you're always a bomb. If your lucky, youwill be married before the change, like I was, and they wont leave you. But I have found that once you change, its hard to get things back to "normality" and hard to find anyone to accept you for what you are, a monster who may transform at any minute. I mean, I married a good man, in general, but he doesn't even want to be around me when I go off on myself, him, or other people. Its just not a pleasant experience for anyone involved.

Anyways, I must once again wrap up this post, I have more pressing issues to attend to.

 

<3 Ellie <3

Love, or Something like it.

Thinking through the reasons I am starting this, I guess I should give you guys a slight insight to what my life is like. I am a woman. I am 18. I am an Army wife. I'm married. I love my husband. Maybe I should give you a little more than that.

 

I am Ellie Brigget. I'm not complicated, at all, but the world can't see things my way. There are a lot of things about me that no one knows, things that I am hoping I can tell you. See, it wasn't long ago that I was a normal teen, I was in high school, accepted to the college of my dreams, getting ready to persue a career with God's greatest gift to women, horses. Somewhere between the beginning of my senior year and the day I got married, everything changed.

I met my husband a few days before the end of my junior year. Alex had this spark in his eyes that I couldn't resist. There was something about him that I could see that I wanted, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to get it. I would love to tell you it was love at first sight, but what fun would that be? Alex was dangerous, something I had never experienced before, and I wasn't sure about starting down that road then. He was older too, 3 years older, to be honest, out of high school (something else I had never done) and in the Army (something that was a big no no from where I was from). But as time passed, I couldn't resist the feelings I had for him. I actually met him in May, the following year, but that's a story for later.

Alex deployed in September of my Senior year, leaving me dateless for all of the major event, prom, homecoming, everything senior girls dream of was gone for me. I spent my days working through school, my nights making sure he showed me all of his fingers and toes and that there weren't any missing. Soon enough, school ended, Alex came home, and I was in New York, married, and keeping house. Slowly the days passed, until one day I broke. I was devastated. I got put in a mental hospital and started treatment for Bipolar Disorder. I guess that experience is really what lead me to this, the thought of escaping myself for a little every day and just spilling myself onto a laptop and letting got of all my worries intrigues me.

So now, I will start with today. I am on my way back to New York today, currently sitting in a westbound train approaching my destination, and my husband. There is a strange man accost the isle from me who has been eating sushi, and has been sense before we left from NYC. Every ten seconds or so I get a text message, nothing interesting is going on though. So today's topic is going to be something light, or not. How do homecomings sound to you?

Homecomings are something that I, as an Army wife, specialize in. today, I am going home. A few months back, my soldier came home, and there is nothing quite like a military welcome home ceremony. If you have never been to one, here is the general idea. There is a band, they play music, the military songs we all here in the old world war two movies, then the soldiers come out, in alphabetical order, and "march" in place, it's pretty strange. Then they talk about how that unit did an awesome job, wherever they were, and then they sing songs (soldiers singing, btw, is one of the funniest things ever). While all of this is going on, in the bleachers are the families, people who haven't seen each other for up to 15 months. One they finish singing, the people in charge talk some more, and then they get released. Hugging your soldier for the first time in months is the greatest thing ever. It's like, Christmas morning when your 5 and you can't WAIT to get up and see exactly what Santa brought you. When you step of the bleahers and frantically look for your other half, spot them, run up behind them, and hug them, they get this huge cheesy grin on there faces and some cry. Most of the wives and children cry, it's just very emotional for everyone involved. Anyone who has ever experienced one is very lucky and knows exactly what I'm talking about.

 

The only thing harder then loving someone else, is loving yourself truly and unconditionally, and its something I think we should all strive for. To love yourself is awesome. Not in a cocky way, but in a healthy way that allows you to grow and mature in your abilities and your dreams. I mean, what would it really be like to take everything everyone said and try to find the good in it? Most of us try to see the good in other people, someone offers you the seat next to you on the train, even though they are using it for bags, someone helps you out when your down, someone goes out of their way to take you to your favorite restaurant, regardless of what it is. The little things people do for you that change your day, or even a smile from a stranger when your having a bad day at just the right time that changes that day for you, turns it around. That song that has gotten you through a lot of lonely nights, the person you long to be with. You see the good in these situations, so I ask, why cant you look at yourself and see the same greatness, the same genuine ability to love? Why do we all tear ourselves down and make ourselves seem littler then we really are?

 

Today, I noticed something about myself. I love. I love others, I love me, I love everything that I can, I have never felt like this before but I can feel something changing inside of myself, something that wasn't there before. Who knows whats going on, but its something good, something I want to keep track of.

Well people. Im going to wrap up this post.

<3 Ellie. <3